My Child Is Being Bullied. How Should I Handle It?

A parent asks…

“It’s a normal part of growing up.” “We all went through it.” “It’ll teach him to be a man.”

These lines come up again and again — and every one of them is wrong. There is nothing normal about bullying. The fact that parents and teachers of an earlier generation did not grasp how devastating this behaviour is does not mean children today should keep being exposed to violence and abuse.

Thanks in part to the recording and sharing of incidents on social media, the public is increasingly aware of just how prevalent and how shocking school bullying can be. There are many well-known cases in which bullying has led to the death of the victim — directly, or by suicide.

Why children stay silent

Most children will not tell anyone they are being bullied.

We have built a society and a value system in which people not only feel guilty about being a victim of violence, but are frequently blamed for it. Anyone who doubts this should watch Jackson Katz’s TED talk. He speaks about violence against women being a men’s issue, but his argument applies equally to any form of victimisation.

Beyond that, a child may want to handle the problem alone, or fear being labelled a tattletale for telling a teacher or parent. Bullying is humiliating, and children often believe no one will understand them — or even believe them. Telling can also be genuinely dangerous, inviting a backlash from the bully.

And then there is the advice adults love to give: stand up to them. It is worth pausing on that. When adults are bullied, they call it assault, and they seek protection through the law and law enforcement. Imagine telling an adult who is assaulted or harassed on a regular basis to simply stand up for themselves.

Signs a child is being bullied

• Frequent, unexplained injuries
• Recurring aches and pains, often as a way to avoid school
• Difficulty sleeping, or nightmares
• Changes in eating patterns — for example, coming home from school without having eaten lunch
• A decline in school performance
• Loss of friends, or avoidance of social situations
• Self-destructive behaviour such as running away from home or self-harm
• Depression and thoughts of suicide

What to do if a child is being bullied

There are many ways to intervene, and the list below is not exhaustive. Every situation has its own circumstances, and decisions should be made in the best interest of the children involved.

Start by understanding what bullying is. Children are not bullied because of something they did or failed to do. A child is bullied because another child has selected them as a target for ridicule and an outlet for aggression. It is a form of violence, and every person has the right to be protected from it.

Listen. Resist the urge to dispense advice straight away. Talking about being a victim of violence is as hard for a bullied child as it is for an adult victim of violent crime.

Ask questions. Who is the bully? When does it happen? How often? Who else knows? Has it been reported to a teacher or anyone else? Get the specific details. Listen for the facts, but listen for the feelings too. More than anything, a child needs to feel understood and supported.

Take responsibility for addressing it. You are the parent. This is not something to leave a child to solve. Adults have access to systems that protect them; children have access to their parents.

If — and only if — the situation is minor and your child is confident about handling it themselves, and you are satisfied it is safe, encourage a non-violent approach. Monitor it closely.

Make an appointment with the school principal (if the bullying is school-related). Stick to the facts and ask for help addressing the situation.

Arrange a meeting with the bully’s parents, together with the principal where possible. The purpose is to bring the matter to their attention and secure their cooperation. These meetings can become emotional — stay with the facts.

Consider a mediated meeting with the bully, their parents and your child, facilitated by the principal or another objective person — ideally someone familiar with restorative justice processes. The purpose is for the bully to take responsibility and commit to repairing the harm done.

Monitor the situation. Do not assume it is resolved. If it isn’t, escalate.

Escalate to the school Board or the Department of Education if the matter remains unresolved or the principal is reluctant to act.

Consult an attorney. Legal advice can clarify your rights and your child’s. At worst, you come away with an expert opinion — and information is always useful.

Lay a formal complaint with the SAPS. This is a radical step, but by this stage the bully has had every opportunity to correct their behaviour and has continued to victimise your child. We call it “bullying”; if it happened to an adult, we would call it assault, victimisation, harassment or intimidation. The police may be reluctant to open a case and may push you towards another channel — but your child has a right not to be victimised.

Remove your child from the school. This is the last resort. It is not fair: it is the bully who should be removed. But if every other avenue has been exhausted and there is no way to protect your child, it may be the reasonable thing to do.

Signs a child is bullying others

• Getting into physical or verbal fights
• Having friends who bully others
• Frequent detentions or trips to the principal’s office
• Increasing aggression
• Unexplained money or new belongings
• Blaming others for their problems and refusing to take responsibility

What to do if a child is bullying others

Children who bully are still children, and they need help. They are more likely to get into trouble later in life — including to abuse alcohol and drugs as adolescents and adults, get into fights, drop out of school, engage in early sexual activity, acquire criminal convictions, and become abusive towards their own spouses or children.

If you know your child is victimising others, seek professional help and counselling. Bullying behaviour is often a symptom of more complex problems, and those problems need to be addressed.

Stop the bullying

Protecting children from harm is the responsibility of every adult. The harm caused by bullying that goes unaddressed is pervasive, and it is long-term.